I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
