im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
