Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
