No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
