it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
