: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I AM VODKA MAN
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
