i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
