How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
