I think I died a long time ago.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
