I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
