I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I think my moral compass just broke
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