HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
