there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
