I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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