So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
