I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
