the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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