Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
