and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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