R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
