This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
