I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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