I think I won the penis lottery.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
