Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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