I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
