i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
