A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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