he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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