tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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