if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So. Much. Porn.
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