My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Dignity is for republicans.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why can't burritos get me drunk
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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