My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
