My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize