True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
