Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
