And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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