I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
How naked do you want me to be?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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