And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize