im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
