i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
