you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
