I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize