My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
