God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
