you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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