Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
