Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I will pee on everything he values.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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