Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
