After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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