i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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