cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
