I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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