This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
