I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Operation Purity has been aborted
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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