These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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