I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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