I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
