saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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