Pants 0. Shit 1.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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