saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
