Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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