I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
