I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
operation have a gay friend backfired
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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